November 28, 2018

London, May

We leave Scotland wrapped in our sweaters and coats, but when we arrive in London it is springtime. We sit in the garden in a t-shirt, barefeet, and for the first time since we came back to Europe Saoirse can play in the garden without winter clothes. She crawls after the chicken and play in a plastic box filled with water. We all sit in lounge chairs watching her and enjoying the warmth. The heatwave lasts about four days, and we cram as many outings and barbecues as possible. We take long walks in Epping forest and she listens to the the birds and the wind in the trees – here it doesn't howl or ram against windows, it just rustles leaves gently.

Almost ten months of being her Mama and most days I still find myself in disbelief, that I get to be around her. Not just as her mother, but to be allowed to know her and watch her grow, and hold these first few pieces of her story. She is the happiest, most authentic being I've ever known.

Being a mother means there's nowhere to run. All day, everyday, I am facing myself as my most vulnerable – looking after and protecting embodied vulnerability, staring endlessly at the most honest, raw form of being. They are it – the truth about humans, about who we are from the start.

This role teaches me so much, and my child teaches me even more. She teaches me about time as a resource and how to spend it. These past few days she hasn't been sleeping well, so I have been doing a lot of rocking and nursing throughout the night, and lying down with her as she naps. Sometimes I feel like I have a newborn again, and it is hard to be needed so much. But the next day she will let her Papa put her to sleep for the first time and she will spend an hour playing in the garden without looking for me. And so I happily give up my time for these moments where she wants me close, even when I feel I have nothing left to give.

We're between places at the moment. To be honest, we've been between places most of this year - choosing to not work and be with her for her first year is a challenge. We've been living on little to no money at all, and relying on our own resources and our families. Most days there's this pressure on my shoulders of finding our next home, and I feel impatient and unsettled. But we're being held here, and we are so grateful.

They tell you that you need to own and earn so much to raise a child. This past year we've done exactly the opposite of that. We've traveled in France and England, worked 6 months on a scottish croft, we've been living out of one suitcase. And you know what ? I wouldn't want that for ten years, but for now, it's working for us. I feel like we are freeing ourselves of expectations and fears that limit us, slowly dreaming and working up to the life we want for us, and for her.

Every day this little fairy reminds us to be present, to go outside and play with her, to appreciate all that we have. We are healthy, and we are happy, and we love. These are magical days, no matter how much we have or where we live.

I keep coming back to this quote and hold it in my heart when I feel doubtful about our life or our future :

"The child, being born as the expanded form of consciousness within the family line, is the single biggest thing calling the parent into his or her own expansion and awakening" - Teal Swan

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