May 30, 2017

Sleepy days

Some nights I just can't sleep. I lie there with my eyes watching the ceiling, my body feeling so light I could float out from the mattress and the sheets, levitating in darkness. I feel like a universe expanding, like my body is so much bigger than what I can see, and yet weightless. Next to me he sleeps soundly, his chest raised by his quiet breath, both fists buried in the pillow.

I reach over, touch his hair. Are you awake ?

He usually wakes up.

I say : « Sometimes I just want to run away. Like, get on a bus to anywhere, without you or this little being inside me, and be on the bus until the landscape doesn't look like anything I know. Sometimes the only thing I want is to leave everything behind, including you. Is that terrible ? Am I being a terrible, awful person ? »

He says : « I think that's okay. As long as you come back. Let's make that deal : you can leave anytime, anywhere you want, as long as you come back to us. Ok ? »


His eyelids flutter and soon he is asleep again. Unshaken by the revelation. Unburdened by the stillness. He isn't afraid of me leaving. So I nestle under his arm, take a deep breath, and stay.

A few visual stories from a quiet spring in Ecuador.

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